New Blog

This blog has had a great run. I started it back in 2011, when I was a very different person. When I started blogging, I had no idea that it would bring me friends, and I didn't realize it would teach me how to process through the written word. 

I'm thankful for this blog and what it's given me, but it's time to move on. 

  One reason would be that I wanted a shorter blog address, haha, but I also decided that it was time to start fresh. To move to a blog that didn't have the rambling sobs of a fifteen year old girl. 

  This post is to tell you I'm moving on, and to welcome you to my new space. You can find my new blog at : http://alanadonae.blogspot.com/

I hope I see you there! 

Shalom

When He says, "wait"

  In light of my status of floating, I've been talking to God about my life. 

   I have ideas swirling in my head. 

-Ideas of moving to a completely new place. Picking a place that appeals, and just going. 

-Ideas of moving to a place that appeals to me, and where someone I love lives. 

-Heck, the thought of picking up and traveling over seas or even doing something world race like. 

   I honestly don't know what I want. All I know is I'm dissatisfied with where I'm at right now. It's where God has me. I've asked Him what He wants me to do, and He says "wait". 

   It's a practice in much patience. It's uncomfortable and frustrating, but at least I have direction from my Daddy. I've heard His word and the comfort in His voice. I know that I'm not alone. 

Floater

   Have you ever experienced the feeling that you're just floating through life? No real direction, just going with the flow? 

 

   That's where I'm at currently. I'm living back on the ranch, looking for a job just so I can take care of myself, and kind of just... Mindlessly going about my days. 

    I've been told to pursue my passions, but I don't even know how to begin to do that. Or even what that would mean. 

   It's already late June, I've been home for over two months, and I've slipped into this rut. I do stuff for mom, hangout with Becky and the girls, see friends, watch tv, sleep, go for walks... You get the idea. Not that any of that is bad, but I've gotten lazy and lost modivation to even figure out what I want to do. 

   Of course I still have the big, long term goals of marriage and kids, but it's not like I can make that happen. 

    Would I love to be back in the Philippines? Of course. That's hard though... It's expensive, I'd want to kind of do my own ministry thing and not just solely be part of CG, and then there's the fact that moving indefinitely is a much bigger deal than a three month trip. It would be so hard to leave family. I'd have to be quite sure. 

    Would I love to be spontaneous and move away to some city? Sure, but I have no peace about that. 

    Does going to school sound like the most logical option future wise? Yes. But literally no part of me wants that, and I have a hard time making myself do it just because it's logical. 

   So I'm floating. I don't know what next week brings, but I'm just gonna go with the flow. That and I'm going to be more productive with my days. Baby steps though. 

Shalom

Thoughts on Me Before You

 *WARNING THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS*

   So there is a lot of contravercy surrounding this movie. I have never read the book, so all I had to go off of, was the movie trailer and people's opinions. I decided that I wanted to see the movie enough to see it despite the rumors that it promotes euthanasia. 

  Let me start off by stating that I do not agree with euthanasia. Or suicide (assisted or otherwise), for that matter. 

  Personally, I really loved the movie. I went into it knowing that Will would choose to die, in the end, but I still love the movie. It made me feel something. I don't believe at all that there was a hidden message in the film about how the world is better off without disabled people. Honestly, the opposite was happening. 

  Yes, ultimately Will chose death, and while I don't condone it, I can see where he was coming from. He lived this full, radical, adventurous life before, and now he can't do anything without help, and he gets sick a lot. So sick he could die. That seriously sucks. Sickness, tied to not being able to let go of the wonderful life he had before... Yeah, I get why he chose death. 

  Let's also look at it from a spiritual direction, this guy obviously doesn't have God. The only hope he can see is through Lou, and it's scary to place all your hope in a person. Plus, if you really love them, you don't want to put such a burden on them. 

   My point is not to say that suicide (or whatever prettier word you want to put on it) is okay. My point is to maybe get you to realize that life isn't always so black and white. Also to tell you, if you can accept and see the grey areas, and like love stories, you should really watch Me Before You. 

Shalom

Adventure

   I've spent the last week and a half traveling, and experiencing new things. My trip is coming to an end and all I can think is "no... I'm not ready". 

   I have adventure and exploration bubbling out of me right now. The idea of going back home... Where I've spent basically all my life, honestly makes me a little sad. 

   I'm at this stage in life where I'm a single woman. I'm not in school. I'm not in a career. This is the time to be adventuring. If there's anytime when I should be living away from family, it's now. 

   I'm pondering and praying about my next step. "Logically", I think I should be doing something that the world thinks is productive. Like working on a career. 

   I may not do the "logical" thing, though. I don't know yet. I may pick a place to live, just because it makes my heart come alive. 

  I loved visiting Denver. It stirred the adventure in me. I'm not saying I'm moving there. What I'm saying is I'm craving adventure, and I'm seeking God on what kind of adventure I want/ need to be pursing in this season. 

  If He says that school, and work, and just life is what I need to pursue for now, then okay. But I'm spurred on to truly and deeply pursue adventure in my life. No matter what that looks like. 

  *wistful sigh*

Tolerance vs. acceptance

  Tolerance. Everywhere you turn, tolerance is shoved down your throat. 

  Here are the top two definitions of tolerance: 

1. to allow the existence, presence, practice, or act of without prohibition or hindrance; permit. 
2. to endure without repugnance; put up with

  Reading the first definition, it sounds fine. Good even. It's the second definition that puts a bad taste in my mouth. I know what it means to do something without repugnance, but the phrase "put up with" really gets to me. I picture a person with their jaw set. 

I have no interest in being "tolerated". 

Now let's look at acceptance:

1. the act of taking or receiving something offered. 
2. favorable reception; approval; favor.

  This has a much warmer and sweeter feeling. 

  Now, I'm not saying that we should look at other people and their actions/ beliefs, and take them as our own. BUT I believe that love and acceptance are directly tied together. As a Christian, I strive to operate in love. 

  Let me give an example from my own life:

I'm used to people picking me apart.

 I'm introverted. People call me antisocial because of it. Tied to this would also be that I don't need constant conversation and can easily entertain myself by just thinking. 

I don't smile constantly, so that must mean that I'm unhappy or angry. 

I was homeschooled, so I'm weird. 

I grew up on a ranch, so I'm a redneck. 

The list goes on. 

Plenty of people tolerate me, few accept me, and others... They do neither. 

  The people who tolerate me, basically don't talk about anything with me except for small talk things. 

  The people who do neither, pick me apart. 

  But the people who accept me? Those people are amazing. They uplift me. They encourage me. They are genuinely curious about my life and how my brain works and what I believe. They may not agree with my beliefs or decisions, but they accept me as I am. They respect me for the person I am. 

That... Is a beautiful thing. 

I firmly believe that if everyone operated like this, the world would be a very different place. 

I am a Christian, but I much more believe in sharing about my God and my beliefs by example. There's a time and a place for speaking and sharing one's heart. In my opinion, if you aren't living it and people can't see Jesus shining through you... Then you have no business preaching to them. 

  Accept people where they are. People are broken, yet beautiful. 

  My heavenly dad? He loves me despite the mess that I am. He loves me for who I am. He accepts me as I am. That love and that acceptance is what has radically changed my life. 

Acceptance > tolerance

Shalom

Life in the Aftermath

   It sounds like the weirdest thing on the planet to say that I'm back in Texas. To say that three months have already gone by is absolutely absurd, yet that is entirely the truth. 

   I don't know how to process the fact that I'm back in my old room, and to be perfectly honest, I haven't even tried yet. I'm going to do some verbal (or typing?) processing right now though, so prepare yourself. 

   I was asked many times in the weeks leading up to my return back to the states, "How do you feel about going home?". I answered that question as honestly as possible. I told them that I missed my family and friends, but that at the same time I really didn't want to leave. I was not at all prepared for how leaving would make me feel. 

  The best way to explain what I was feeling when my plane left the gate in Manila is to say, something inside me broke. It was as if part of my heart was ripped away. 

  I *love* the Philippines. I made priceless friendships there. I started the journey to learning the language. I made it my home. Obviously I always knew I was just there for three months, but I truly put in roots there, I knew leaving would be hard on me, but I didn't know it would hurt quite so much. 

   When my plane touched down in Texas, I was overwhelmed and nearly started crying. I was so emotional for a few reasons,

 1) my long journey was over and that was so nice

2) I was excited to see my family

3) I was heart broken that I really was no longer in the Philippines. 

  To say that I want to go back and live my life there is an understatement. I would be so pleased to marry and Filipino and only come back to the states to visit my family. That said, I do feel that God has something for me in America. That there's something I need to do/ get here, that I can't in the Philippines. 

   I don't know what tomorrow looks like; let alone a year from now, but I do know that the Philippines is rooted deep in my heart. I learned so much about myself and about how life works. I grew. I changed. I am better than I was before. 

Shalom