I talked a few weeks ago about caring too much what people think. Well, God has continued to help me uncover the layers of why I'm that way. He's been showing me it's a heart issue. It's an issue with what I believe about myself.
I crave acceptance.
Mentally I know that God accepts me the way that I am, and I honestly believe that I really believe that. BUT in my mind, there's a difference between accepting someone, and loving them.
Sure, I know God loves me. The revelation of His love is something that really changed my life last year. But I'm realizing that I only know it on a surface level. On a level of, He provides for me, takes care of me, doesn't want me to be harmed.
But I don't *really*, deeply, passionately know about His love for me. I don't know it in a way and at a depth that it totally wrecks me and my image of myself.
I know that I don't, because if I did, I wouldn't crave acceptance the way that I do. You see, though different, acceptance and love are tied together in my mind.
If I don't feel accepted for who I am, by people, then I feel that they don't love me. And if I feel that; I feel unwanted.
I've always known that I'm different than a lot of people my age. I don't see the appeal of drinking to get drunk and doing drugs. I'm not a quiet person, but I like chill, relational activities. I don't need to go out and do something crazy, I just need hangout time (with opportunities to talk) with a person I care about.
I see myself as different, and often, not really worth knowing, so I strongly believe that the stem of this acceptance thing has everything to do with the image of myself I hold onto. It holds me back in relationships. Including my relationship with God.
I don't love (I do on the level of how I can be selfish and self-centered, but that's a completely different issue.) or accept myself truly, because I don't see myself as worthy.
I was listening to a Bethel sermon by Kris Vallotton and he was telling a story of a time in his own life, when someone gave him a large sum of money, when he desperately needed it. Long story short, after that, he was unconsciously avoiding that person, and when he asked God why he was doing that. God told him that it was because he didn't see himself as worth that money. That he was worried that if the person who gave the money got to know him, the person would also see that he wasn't worth the money that was given, and regret giving it. Kris said that after God telling him that, he had a revelation of how he's been sabotaging his relationships when he feels the level of love being given, is more than he deserved.
That story really struck me. I can relate with that a lot. I don't have a specific situation in mind, more just a way that I've sort of always acted. I've only accepted the amount of love I feel I deserved.
I don't have a happy ending for this one yet. I'm just being open and raw about where my heart is. I'm on a journey.