Just a bud...

 

  It's a profound moment when God washes an epiphany over you. When suddenly you sort of understand the meaning of all this pain. It's also heart breaking to realize how utterly shattered you are as a person. *sigh*... Let me attempt to explain...

The weekend of my 18th birthday, my dearest Abby H gave me a dozen roses. She did this because she had a dream or a vision (I don't remember which) of holding an unfurrled rose. She felt this was for me. Laina was with me when this happened and God gave her an interpretation: " So, this kinda has to do with the prayer that I prayed over you this morning. The one that asked God to open your heart to trusting Him completely and to allow you to be able to take a step back and just watch everything unfold. 

  Roses are beautiful. They are simple, yet very complex and sophisticated looking; they have many stages. There is the bud; where everything is closed up nice and tight. The baby rose isn't ready to see the world, it hasn't been developed to the right point to where it could stand the cold nights and hot days. Next, the rose opens to make almost a dome shape. It's petals are showing and it can survive the atmosphere around it. But, most beautiful of all, is when the rose has fully opened. 

  When Abby described herself holding a rose, I saw a fully opened, almost blood-red rose. All the petals are completely unfurled. You can now truly see the splendor of the rose. Abby gave you roses that are at the point in their lives where they can survive and look pretty, but they can still mature. That is where you are in your life. 

  You can survive whatever the devil throws at you. Whatever storm God has you walk through, you will be fine. You have the foundation, yet you have fully opened up. You are not completely mature and unfurled. 

  I think the rose symbolizes what you said it symbolizes. God wooing you so that you completely love Him. And when you do, you will be a rose if full bloom. You will be a rose in all of it's splendor. You will be the big, beautiful rose that Abby was holding. 

  But a rose can't be rushed. Part of the beauty of it as well, is watching it unfurl. You will be able to look at what God is doing in your life and see the rose opening up. 

  I think this year, you bloom."

  Here's my explanation, I am currently a bud. I'm growing and changing, yes, but a huge part of why I'm still a bud, is because I am a broken person. I am completely and utterly shattered. Before I can start to "unfurrle" I have to let God remake my insides. I have to give Him my broken shards, and let Him put them where they need to go. This, will take time. It will be painful, hard, and slow work. 

  Honestly, I don't know what I am to *do*. Pray? Read my Bible? Spend time with God? Yes to all, but what else? Ah... Trust. Such a difficult thing to do... But so very vital. 

Prayers please. I need them oh so desperately. 

Shalom,