It's rough to realize that you didn't deal with a past issue as fully as you thought.
I thought I'd completely worked through everything that happened with Micah, a few years ago. I thought I'd worked through the emotion and pain of being cheated on... of compromising my beliefs... of losing someone I thought I wanted to spend my life with. This weekend proved to me otherwise.
Sunday and Monday (today) we were in the Waco area to hear a preacher speak. During one of the sessions, he spoke on our emotional cups. Specifically what it's like when they're full of bad things. He said that the most intense emotion sinks to the bottom and effects all above it. Pain is always the most intense.
My relationship with Micah caused a lot of pain... I dealt with it. I thought. But I realized that if I'd really, fully processed what I went through... I wouldn't be afraid of something similar happening to me again. My fear is a symptom of the pain. The pain must be dealt with before the fear will subside.
If I want to have a healthy marriage someday, I need to really process what happened and how it made me feel. I want to fully trust my future husband. I don't want to have a fear of unfaithfulness in the back of my mind.
Shalom,
After reading this, I thought of a nightmarish experience of my own, many years ago, when I felt betrayed by some friends of mine. I started wondering if I had really put it behind me, and I realized that I haven't! All these years, whenever I've thought of those people, all I've thought of has been that one time when I felt betrayed. I feel now that I want to change that, so that when I think of them I also remember our friendship and good times together and what I liked about them, and not only that one time I felt betrayed. I also want to try to apply to that experience, everything I've been learning about freeing myself from all ill will.
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