Hot mess or a beautiful disaster?

  Her body is covered in goosebumps. Her stomach churns in such a way that she's sure she'll lose the coffee that acted as breakfast. Her hands are visibly shaking. Most of all, her heart feels as heavy as a ton of bricks. Her mind reels. Going places she knows better than to think about, but in this moment, she has no control. She feels cornered. She's terrified. The thought of not giving up, but relinquishing control crosses her mind, but she's not sure she can. That would only scare her more. To have to put all her trust in God controlling her future? She knows it's right, but just the thought sends stabbing pain through her. People. Family, friends, they're the only distraction that has kept her together in the weeks gone by, but now she's all alone. "Life back to normal", her mother says, but what is normal anyways? School? Chores? Agonizing pain? If that's normal life, she wants nothing to do with it. Where's the joy? The peace? It doesn't exist in her heart as of late, and she's starting to question whether it ever existed at all. Part of her wants to scream at the top of her lungs. Part in anger and part in a plea for help from God. She won't though. She'll just trudge through life as always. Keeping her mouth shut and praying that someday she'll be able to cry about something that actually matters. Until then, she'll just be a beautiful disaster.