Let's be real for a minute. Not that I haven't been truthful, but I also haven't opened up about any of the struggles with being here, either.
Despite my love for this place, some moments have been so hard it's nearly brought me to tears.
You see, even in the States I have a core struggle. I struggle with feeling unwanted in situations. I'm often different than many of those I'm around, and I can be awkward, so I just feel.. Like an unneeded adition, sometimes. Last summer I came to a place of understanding where this stems from, and realizing it's lies from the devil. Even so, the struggle is still there.
Being in a different country, with different customs, a different language, and just a different way of thinking and doing things, seriously magnifies this struggle.
The language barrier probably triggers it the most. I've had a few moments here, experiencing such deep loneliness that I didn't know was possible.
Normally I'm ok sitting in the room while everyone speaks Tagalog, but then sometimes the devil slips in, and I feel incredibly shut out. Unwanted.
This isn't because of the people I'm here with. Seriously, they are all really great. The devil just knows exactly how to hit me where it hurts. He won't win though. I won't back away, just because the devil is trying to get me to. I will fight on. God is good, and He is with me.
The reason I haven't commented for so long is that my comments stopped being posted, and I thought you might have blocked me. I was never sure I was welcome here anyway. Now I think the problem was the ad blocker I was using!
ReplyDeleteI have the same problem as you sometimes, feeling awkward and like an unneeded addition. More often it's just the opposite, at least in Internet discussion. There's often a lot of vanity and arrogance in what I say in Internet discussions.
I think I've already told you how I found this blog, and why I started following it. I found it in a search for people who might be interested in God-centered community building. I started following it because your devotion, your faithfulness, your struggle and your endurance pulled and pulled at my heart. I grieved, I agonized for you, again and again. I ached to find some way to comfort you, but I didn't know what to say or do that might really help, and I wasn't sure I should even be here. I was afraid I might be intruding some place where I didn't belong.
When it looked like you were blocking me, I took that as confirmation that I was intruding, so I stopped following you. This is my first time visiting this blog for many months, maybe a year or more.
I was very happy for you, and had high hopes for your future, when you started working with that Christian group. I haven't read much of your recent history yet, but from what little I've read, it looks like things are much better.