If I think about what I want, there are two core desires.
One is to be close to family, because I love them and I want to be active in their lives and them to be active in my family's life.
The other is for the Philippines. I truly love it here. It's a beautiful place, and I feel like I'm actually doing something good here.
The second option sounds much more... Holy. I mean, it's sacrificing comfort and time with family to help those less fortunate. But, unless it's God's will for my life, it's at least partially image driven.
Just because I love my family, doesn't mean God is going to call me to stay near them. Also, just because I love the Philippines and it seems logical that God would make it my mission field, doesn't mean that's the case.
Truthfully, I feel the pull to this country. I would love to get married and come back here to spend years living here. To raise a family here. To use the closeness to other Asian countries to do short term missions. But also truthfully, I don't know if all that is from God OR if it's my own desire.
Naturally, I want to feel as if I'm doing something of value, but really, it has nothing to do with what I *feel*, and instead has everything to do with what GOD'S plan is for my life.
It's not as if I haven't sought God about this at all, but I haven't much, and I honestly don't know if I can while I'm here. The desire to spend my life here is too strong.
Nothing scares me more than wasting my life. This is typical me, though. I don't need to have it planned out. I don't need to know that many steps ahead, but I'm a futuristic person, so obviously it's on my mind.
God is good, and I know He won't let me down. He won't leave me alone. He'll give me the steps I need, when I need them.