The wake up call.

My sweet Archie. She's the best dog in the world. Becky said I look like I'm 10 in this picture....

I couldn't get over the sky... 

God really out did Himself when He painted the sky for me last night. 

Such a pretty night for a walk.

Can I just say that I have some of the most amazing friends on the planet? Okay, so yesterday was an extra mopey, and just down day for me. I was complaining to one of my best friends, Abby Chandler. We were just texting and sometimes she tends to disappear, well last night was one of those times. It didn't bother me really, I was tired, so I went to bed. I slipped off into dream land and was woken up around 12:30 Am. I don't remember what my dream was, but I do know my eyes were wet, anyways, it was Abby... this is what she had to say:

"And I just realized I never responded, I thought I had. You aren't a mess... I'm just sad you think that. Where is the positive, radiant and self confident Alana who had been showing her beautiful face so much these past few months? 

Not just the past few months, this past year I have seen so many positive changes in your attitude and outlook on life. Micah often brought you down. Don't let this situation make you, make the situation. 

I'm so sad right now..... 

I'm dredging up all these memories, these terrible memories that make me want to claw whatever part of my being it is that feels, out. I'm the pathetic one. I'm the one who is a mess.. you've no idea the darkness I carry around in me all of the time. And no matter the change I so desperately want, it wont happen.. I cleave to the very things that make me so impure, so ridiculously worldly and disgusting. You're a vessel of light. You're beautiful. You are going to be out of high school soon, you'll be driving soon, you will be 18 soon;) you have sooo much to look forward to in the next few years, and I understand you are excited about meeting your life partner, and being with him, but don't let time slip through your fingers. It sounds cliche but as hard is here and now is, the next step will always prove to be a little more challenging. Try to find at least one good thing about your day. If you can't, jut remember there will never be another today, and we aren't promised a tomorrow, babe. As they say, YOLO ;)"

Needless to say... my eyes were REALLY wet after reading that. She showed me something. I'm so busy living for "tomorrow" and being excited about whats to come, that I've become depressed and bitter about "today". That's not right. God has so many amazing things for me in my future, but I can't get there by being a bitter, grumpy, whiny person today. I need to live every moment like it's my last, and be thankful for all I have right now. 

Today's Blogtember topic is : Tell us about a time you were afraid. 

I'm not going to, though, because I think the story above fills the bill on that one. I'm afraid right now. I'm afraid that who I am is going to screw up who I want to be and the future I want to have. They're irrational fears, but fears none the less. So there you have it. 

Shalom, 

The heart of a teenage girl...

..is a jungle of a place. Especially when she's a Christian. My mind is swirling. I just want some answers.

Patience.....Patience....

It echos in my head. I'm scared, but I can't tell if it's legitimate fear or just me over thinking.

Probably both.

Guard my heart. That's what I'm trying to do. With all I have, it's what I'm trying to do.

Prayers?


Shalom,

The act of being crushed

 

  Having a crush on someone is an interesting situation. Especially when you know you shouldn't be dating so you have to settle for getting him to be friends with you. 

  It's kind of like a burning sensation in your stomach... And heart. Yes, I have a crush. This is the first legitimate, powerful crush I've had in... Well ever. I feel like I'm insane, but I can't get him out of my head. I've tried, it doesn't work. I like this guy and that's all there is to it. I can't wish the feelings away... No matter how much I want to sometimes. It's exciting, nerve racking, and painful all wrapped into one. Oh being a teenage girl. Lord soothe my soul.

Shalom,

My lot in life, but do I really have cause to complain?

  So today's topic is : Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it. 

  As soon as I read that today, I felt God pulling on my heart to share something very personal and close to me.

  This is a post I've been trying to write for awhile now, but today is the day God has in mind. Here goes:

  I was born with a condition, disease, defect, whatever you would like to call it, called Female Epispadias. I think it's safe to say that most, if not all of you don't know what that is, so here's the break down. 
When I was born, instead of having a neck and sphincter at the bottom of my bladder, it was just open. My mom noticed (with me being her fourth girl) that I didn't look normal down there, so I had plastic surgery when I was a baby to look normal. 
  It wasn't until I was 3 or so (whatever the normal potty training age is), that my mom realized something was wrong. She would put me in underwear instead of a diaper, and I'd be wet immediately. Next the doctor visits began, they took me to a Urologist in Austin. A simple procedure to measure the size of my bladder was done (water was inserted into my bladder and then an ultrasound was done.). Well with only 30 cc (I think) my bladder popped. Emergency surgery was done to sew me back up, and I have a pretty epic scar on my abdomen from it. 
  So the prognosis was this, I had to wear diapers all the time. Between 3 and 9 (I think..) I had several surgeries to make my life easier. Something called deflux(kind of a hardening gel) was inserted on either side of the neck of my bladder to act as a sphincter of sorts. Through the surgeries and me working hard to stretch my bladder, I eventually was able to only wear diapers at night and wear pads during the day (which is a huge upgrade by the way). Unfortunately, there's no medical 100% fix for this. 
  I've always known that God is bigger than my problems though. Last August, a week or so before I left for my California trip, I listened to the prompting of God's voice... despite how scary it was... and slept without a diaper OR pad. I was perfectly fine, but oh me of little faith. Did i trust Gods healing and stop usin diapers and pads? No, I instead  quit wearing diapers, and switched to just pads all the time. God reminded me of this when I was packing for the trip. My plan had been to take diapers, just because I would be sharing a bed with people.. and it wouldn't be my bed. Well, as I was packing, I began to get frustrated. For one, I'd never packed without my mom there if I needed her, and two, I couldn't fit everything I needed in my suitcase. I began to fall apart and cry. I can't really explain why I was so scared, but I was. A small voice said "Call Angela". So I did. I called my lovely youth leader and spilled my guts to her. She told me that the devil was trying to take my victory. She told me not to be scared, and to claim what God has given me. I went on that trip with just pads, and haven't worn a diaper since. 
  My own fear of failure has kept me from taking the next step. You see, people have been praying miraculous healing over me, my entire life. But God has another way for me. He has something great to teach me here, and I'm too chicken to learn it. This is a subject that terrifies me, because I finally know what to do, and I can't seem to make myself do it. This isn't the first time God's tried to teach me obedience and trust.  
  So this is my life, my journey. I just bared one of the deepest parts of my soul to you. I hope that maybe my life, err God's work through my life, can teach you something. 

Shalom, 

History Maker

Today's topic is :The thing(s) you're most afraid of

This was a really tough one for me. It was important for me to truly represent my deepest fear, so I couldn't take this lightly.

My biggest fear, to put it simply, is that I'll repeat history. It really does scare me that I might have to relearn a lesson, and live with the consequences and the scars of the repeat.

I've made my share of mistakes in this life, and bare the battle wounds of them. The last thing I want is to have to live that again. To slip into old habits. To hurt other people in the process. No thank you.

I want to be a history maker, not a history repeater.

What are you most afraid of?

Shalom,