A love letter... to my future family.

Today Blogtember tells me to write a love letter. It doesn't need to be romantic or anything.

The ones I call....mine, 

God gave you the lucky privilege of being able to call me wife or mom. You may laugh at that comment, but I do hope that deep down you're glad you have me ;). 

Kids, I hope and pray that I'm a kind, yet structured mother to you. It's my desire to not be your friend, but your mentor. I want you to know that you can come to me for anything, whether you just want to talk and hangout, or you have something weighing on your heart. I'm here for you.  

Hubby, am I the woman of God, the support and counsel that you need? I pray so. I pray that I'm your lover, your support,and your best-friend.

I love y'all so much already, and I pray for you. 


Shalom, 

Is it possible?

 Today's topic is short and sweet. A self portrait.

This was me lastnight.. 

So I don't know what my deal is. The tightness in my chest. The inability to take deep breaths.
Is it because this whole waiting thing is getting easier and I'm learning to be happy in spite of it?
Probably. I almost feel guilty. Though I shouldn't, because who knows how long I'll have to wait, and I shouldn't be miserable while I do.

Y'all, I had a really amazing night. The crew from G42U came out for dinner. They are an amazing bunch of people. They really really are. Elizabeth, the student, is particularly amazing. I really clicked with her. It was so exciting to see how passionate and on fire she is about God and this program. She's such a sweet, funny, animated girl, and I'm so excited to get to know her better :). As for everyone else? I don't have a bad thing to say about anyone. They're a blast to be around and I'm so looking forward to see where God takes all of this :).

I'm so very thankful to God for giving me such a great night. He reminded me that it's so important to really LIVE in the midst of everything going on. So don't worry guys, I feel a live again. Even though it's hard.



Shalom, 

The wake up call.

My sweet Archie. She's the best dog in the world. Becky said I look like I'm 10 in this picture....

I couldn't get over the sky... 

God really out did Himself when He painted the sky for me last night. 

Such a pretty night for a walk.

Can I just say that I have some of the most amazing friends on the planet? Okay, so yesterday was an extra mopey, and just down day for me. I was complaining to one of my best friends, Abby Chandler. We were just texting and sometimes she tends to disappear, well last night was one of those times. It didn't bother me really, I was tired, so I went to bed. I slipped off into dream land and was woken up around 12:30 Am. I don't remember what my dream was, but I do know my eyes were wet, anyways, it was Abby... this is what she had to say:

"And I just realized I never responded, I thought I had. You aren't a mess... I'm just sad you think that. Where is the positive, radiant and self confident Alana who had been showing her beautiful face so much these past few months? 

Not just the past few months, this past year I have seen so many positive changes in your attitude and outlook on life. Micah often brought you down. Don't let this situation make you, make the situation. 

I'm so sad right now..... 

I'm dredging up all these memories, these terrible memories that make me want to claw whatever part of my being it is that feels, out. I'm the pathetic one. I'm the one who is a mess.. you've no idea the darkness I carry around in me all of the time. And no matter the change I so desperately want, it wont happen.. I cleave to the very things that make me so impure, so ridiculously worldly and disgusting. You're a vessel of light. You're beautiful. You are going to be out of high school soon, you'll be driving soon, you will be 18 soon;) you have sooo much to look forward to in the next few years, and I understand you are excited about meeting your life partner, and being with him, but don't let time slip through your fingers. It sounds cliche but as hard is here and now is, the next step will always prove to be a little more challenging. Try to find at least one good thing about your day. If you can't, jut remember there will never be another today, and we aren't promised a tomorrow, babe. As they say, YOLO ;)"

Needless to say... my eyes were REALLY wet after reading that. She showed me something. I'm so busy living for "tomorrow" and being excited about whats to come, that I've become depressed and bitter about "today". That's not right. God has so many amazing things for me in my future, but I can't get there by being a bitter, grumpy, whiny person today. I need to live every moment like it's my last, and be thankful for all I have right now. 

Today's Blogtember topic is : Tell us about a time you were afraid. 

I'm not going to, though, because I think the story above fills the bill on that one. I'm afraid right now. I'm afraid that who I am is going to screw up who I want to be and the future I want to have. They're irrational fears, but fears none the less. So there you have it. 

Shalom, 

Playing the "What if..." game.

What if.... I'm wrong about my future?
What if.... every word I've ever spoken about where I see myself going, was wrong?
What if.... there's no such thing as loving one person forever?
What if.... I'm not cut out to be a wife...a mother?
What if.... everything I ever thought God has spoken to me, was just my own mind?
What if.... I'm just a stupid, foolish girl with stupid, foolish dreams?
What if.... I never amount to anything?
What if.... I end up alone?....


I have so much going on inside me... it's like an over cooked stew. I feel sick. I'm terrified. My heart aches, and my head spins. This is too much... it's too much to handle. My life... is too much for this girl to handle.

What kind of example am I??

  My heart has been in crazy places lately. Selfish places... and painful places.

 The selfish place resulted in someone getting hurt by something I took part in... and then I was the one to tell said person about it. I never wanted them to get hurt. I never meant for that to happen. It was the last thing I ever wanted happening, but it happened anyways. I have to live with that. I'm sorry for the part I played. I know that "sorry" doesn't make it better. It doesn't make the pain go away, but it does mean that I'm not a completely heartless, despicable human being. I'm sorry doesn't change how I feel about the situation, but it does mean I hate how it effects said person. I pray that God eases their pain, and that they find complete comfort in His will.

  The painful place? Is my dad. Papa. The man whose always been a constant fixture in my life. The man who is the head of the house, but he doesn't pray with us, read the Bible with us, God to church with us, or even share our faith. THAT... breaks my heart. He's not an absent father, but he's also not the Christian counsel I need. His soul isn't saved, and I'm no help there. I'm not exactly a model Christian. I really do try, but I'm constantly failing, and Papa sees me fail every day. How am I supposed to be a light, to my own father when a perfect stranger could see what a screw up I am???


Shalom, 

Hey there...

 

   My thoughts have hardly left you sense I saw you... More than a month ago now. I think of future, which results in me praying for you, but I also think about the past. The memories I have of you, which I cherish. 

  How sweet you were to befriend an awkward, strange girl such as myself. 

The day I found out you weren't just being nice to me, that you had feelings for me... That was one of the happiest days of my summer. 

The way you came to talk to me, when I didn't want to be involved in the game the others were playing, and we just talked. I didn't yet know that you liked me. 

The first time I got a hug from you. It took me by surprise... I'd been dreaming about getting a hug from you, for weeks, and there I was... Shocked... Because you initiated the hug. And boy are you good at them. A real man... Can thrill a woman, simply by hugging her. I never wanted them to end. 

We didn't have many real conversations, but when we did I knew you wanted to talk to me, by how focused you were on me. You'd look me right in the eyes. 

I'll never forget the look on your face when I told you I didn't like video games, haha, you looked like I'd murdered your puppy. 

You made me feel fantastic about myself. You didn't say it often, but you made it clear that I was beautiful, and that you never wanted to take your eyes off me. 

The way you'd make the effort to touch me in the simplest, most innocent way... Always sent chills down my spine. 

I don't know what's going on, but I know it's more than just a teenage girl who is crushing on a guy, when I say I can't just give up on you. I believe in us. Even if now isn't the time. You can't get rid of me quite so easily. I hope you know that, because I know I made it clear how I feel about you. 

Shalom, 

The me I want to be.

  Lately I've been thinking about the kind of person I will someday be. I wanted to give you a picture of the woman I aspire to be.

The future Alana Donae _________ will be kind. She will think about others feelings before opening her mouth. She will be much more poised. She will care much less what others think of her, and much more of what God thinks of her. She will be disciplined in reading her Bible each day. She will be a wife and mother who rolls with the punches. Her days may not always (or ever) workout as she planned, but she'll know how to pickup the pieces and carry on anyways. She will keep a tidy home and will be skilled in having a delicious and nutritious meal on the table everyday; no matter if their poor or rich. She will be an active part of her children's lives and they will know that they can come to her at any point if they need her. She will be a help mate to her husband. Submissive, but her opinion and thoughts will be valued by him, though the final decision will be his. She will never be to busy for the people she loves; even if it means the house goes dirty for a week. Most of all, she'll be a woman of God. A woman who looks up before she looks in the mirror. A woman who doesn't stress or worry, because she knows God has it under control. A woman whom God would be more than proud to call His Princess... His pure and spotless daughter. 


  So what do you think? Am I shooting too high? Or can I someday be this woman; with God's help?


Shalom, 

I don't appreciate what I have like I should.

No make-up and you know what? I don't care :)

"Push me Wanna!!"

Fun in the pool with Kezley and Becky :)

  This weeks Whatever Wednesday topic is : Someone or something you take for granted.

 I've put a lot of thought into this... and I think I'm pretty good about not taking the people in my life for granted, but I do take my life in general for granted.

 God has blessed me with the beautiful ranch, the ability to grow up worshiping my God when and where I want, being home schooled, the list goes on.

  I'm one of those people that largely lives in the future. I'm constantly planning/ thinking about what's to come. It's rare that I just live in the moment and take it all in.

  I realize that this isn't good... because one day I'll look back and kick myself for not being thankful for the moment I was in.

  The truth is, I have a great life. Is it a super easy one with no problems? Absolutely not, but it's a blessed life. I don't have the boyfriend I want nor am I graduated yet. I don't have my license and I don't see my friends as much as I'd like to. Papa isn't a Christian... but he is an active part of my life. My sisters don't all live close by, but they come to visit, and I can call or text them anytime I want.

  My point is... everything won't always be rosey.... but this life I live? The life that God has given me to live? It's a really great one. I'm gonna work hard to not take it for granted as much.



Shalom, 

 

The feeling...

  

   God is moving. Doing big things in people's lives. I can feel Him moving over my heart, mind, and life. 

  Do you know that feeling when you know what would probably be for the best, but you don't like it? 

That's what I'm dealing with right-now. So I'm trusting God with this, because I know regardless of what I feel or want, He's in control and His will I'd always best. 

  This situation has a lot to do with me being patient and letting God be in charge, instead of me stepping out and taking control. 

  Pray for me? 

Shalom

Beauty from ashes, joy from pain.

"You never know what the future might hold.." It echos oh how it echos.

Peace is an overwhelming feeling. Overwhelming and amazing. I quite like it. Despite how my heart hurts at the moment, I have peace. I know that God's will has been and will always be carried out as long as I listen.

I may not always like the outcome. Especially at first. I don't like what I've seen of this one so far, but He knows best.

Whose to say that I won't get what my heart desires someday down the road. Maybe it just isn't the right time?

OR, maybe theres something much more beautiful than what I desire.

I suppose only time will tell.

Remember this, Y'all, God loves you. He wants whats best. Submit to His will and He'll make things as painless as possible for you.


Shalom, 

The heart of a teenage girl...

..is a jungle of a place. Especially when she's a Christian. My mind is swirling. I just want some answers.

Patience.....Patience....

It echos in my head. I'm scared, but I can't tell if it's legitimate fear or just me over thinking.

Probably both.

Guard my heart. That's what I'm trying to do. With all I have, it's what I'm trying to do.

Prayers?


Shalom,

A heart full of desire

  Today, I'm day dreaming. About what, you ask? A Bible.
I haven't really gotten set of what translation I want, though my favorites are : NET (New English Translation), ASV (American Standard Version), and The Message.
Leather cover (Black or Brown probably), My name engraved (just Alana Donae so that when I get married the last name will be right.). I want a red letter edition, with a good concordance. It would also be cool if it had a section where you put marriage and birth records, but it doesn't have to.
  I accept gifts ;). but seriously y'all, I really REALLY want a new Bible. One I can grow up and old with.


Shalom, 


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The act of being crushed

 

  Having a crush on someone is an interesting situation. Especially when you know you shouldn't be dating so you have to settle for getting him to be friends with you. 

  It's kind of like a burning sensation in your stomach... And heart. Yes, I have a crush. This is the first legitimate, powerful crush I've had in... Well ever. I feel like I'm insane, but I can't get him out of my head. I've tried, it doesn't work. I like this guy and that's all there is to it. I can't wish the feelings away... No matter how much I want to sometimes. It's exciting, nerve racking, and painful all wrapped into one. Oh being a teenage girl. Lord soothe my soul.

Shalom,

Thankful for the struggle

Today is a momentous day.

 A year single. 

A year following after God without the distraction of a guy. 

A year of raising my standards and letting my dreams fly. 

This has been a hard, rough year. Right now, last year... I wouldn't have dreamed that I'd be where I am now. 

I thank God for all I've been through, all the lessons I've learned. 

This year has been such a blessing. 

So here I am, trusting God to bless me with my future husband when He pleases (though I am a bit impatient at times). 

God is pretty awesome, just in case y'all didn't know. I wish I would just trust him more often. 

Shalom

Country Boys

  I'm one whose been labeled as boy crazy more than once. I sorta resent that, because when I think of "boy crazy" I picture a girl who either has a new boyfriend every week, or at the very least just always has a boyfriend. I would say that I'm neither of those things. I mean, yes, I am very good at spotting an attractive guy in a crowd, and am always at some level on the lookout for one, but y'all, come tomorrow, I will have been single for entire year. Coming from a girl who had a boyfriend for two years, and has been called "boy crazy" countless times, I'd say that's a pretty big accomplishment.

  I have a feeling that I'm gonna be single for a few more years before God brings the right man to me, but hey, it doesn't hurt to know what you want... does it? Now, along with what I talked about in this post, I realized something yesterday. The only kind of man I'd be able to stand spending my life with, would be a country boy, grown to man.

  Someone whose accustom to hard work and the results of it. Someone who isn't going to spend all of his free time playing video games or trading cards... there are very few larger turn-offs in my mind y'all.
Not that the out-ward is most important or anything, but there's nothing like a man who dresses in wranglers, beat-up cowboy boots, country button-downs, and a cowboy hat.

  Y'all there's just something about cowboys, like the real ones (as long as they don't chew...) that gets to me.  My dream man. mmhm. Obviously I'll trust God, and love whoever He gives me, but a girl can dream right?

What would your significant other be like if you could design him/her ?

Shalom, 

Ink

Y'all all know that I have a thing for tattoos, so I thought I'd share some that I really like. Most of these I would never actually get, because all of my tattoos will have a special meaning to me behind them, but I'll point out any that I do want to get.

I'd consider doing this. It represents the ability to stop, but the choice to continue.

I really like this, because it represents who I am. A song bird.

Someday I'll have this on my lower back. 

I want this on my shoulder/back with the mockingjay pin :)

I'm not sure yet where it'll be. Maybe my wrist. but this will be my first tattoo.  It'll remind me that I'm a jewel/something to be cherished.

There are other tattoos that I know I wan't but don't have pictures of. One of these days, I'll have Laina draw them on me, and I'll post them for you to see :).


Shalom, 

We all fall at times.

  Monday's prompt was :Get real. share something you're struggling with right now.

  For me, there always seems to be something, but the biggest one is probably contentment. I see such a bright and exciting future full of love and adventure. I can't wait to get past this yucky stage of life called high-school  I was to be married and living life to the fullest.

  That's not where God has me right-now though. To go on to anything after high-school, I have to graduate. I have lessons I've yet to learn, lives to touch, and experience to get. I may not like this stage of my life, but God knows exactly what He's doing. :)

  Today's prompt is: A list of links to your favorite posts in your archives. 

His Pleasure
I've got a dream
Dear...
My lot in life
Are we door mats?
and
Live at peace

Do y'all have a favorite post of mine?


Shalom, 




P.S. I had the most fantastic Sunday night and Monday with two of my bestest friends, Laina and Ocean!