Thursday, May 16, 2013
My lot in life, but do I really have cause to complain?
So today's topic is : Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it.
As soon as I read that today, I felt God pulling on my heart to share something very personal and close to me.
This is a post I've been trying to write for awhile now, but today is the day God has in mind. Here goes:
I was born with a condition, disease, defect, whatever you would like to call it, called Female Epispadias. I think it's safe to say that most, if not all of you don't know what that is, so here's the break down.
When I was born, instead of having a neck and sphincter at the bottom of my bladder, it was just open. My mom noticed (with me being her fourth girl) that I didn't look normal down there, so I had plastic surgery when I was a baby to look normal.
It wasn't until I was 3 or so (whatever the normal potty training age is), that my mom realized something was wrong. She would put me in underwear instead of a diaper, and I'd be wet immediately. Next the doctor visits began, they took me to a Urologist in Austin. A simple procedure to measure the size of my bladder was done (water was inserted into my bladder and then an ultrasound was done.). Well with only 30 cc (I think) my bladder popped. Emergency surgery was done to sew me back up, and I have a pretty epic scar on my abdomen from it.
So the prognosis was this, I had to wear diapers all the time. Between 3 and 9 (I think..) I had several surgeries to make my life easier. Something called deflux(kind of a hardening gel) was inserted on either side of the neck of my bladder to act as a sphincter of sorts. Through the surgeries and me working hard to stretch my bladder, I eventually was able to only wear diapers at night and wear pads during the day (which is a huge upgrade by the way). Unfortunately, there's no medical 100% fix for this.
I've always known that God is bigger than my problems though. Last August, a week or so before I left for my California trip, I listened to the prompting of God's voice... despite how scary it was... and slept without a diaper OR pad. I was perfectly fine, but oh me of little faith. Did i trust Gods healing and stop usin diapers and pads? No, I instead quit wearing diapers, and switched to just pads all the time. God reminded me of this when I was packing for the trip. My plan had been to take diapers, just because I would be sharing a bed with people.. and it wouldn't be my bed. Well, as I was packing, I began to get frustrated. For one, I'd never packed without my mom there if I needed her, and two, I couldn't fit everything I needed in my suitcase. I began to fall apart and cry. I can't really explain why I was so scared, but I was. A small voice said "Call Angela". So I did. I called my lovely youth leader and spilled my guts to her. She told me that the devil was trying to take my victory. She told me not to be scared, and to claim what God has given me. I went on that trip with just pads, and haven't worn a diaper since.
My own fear of failure has kept me from taking the next step. You see, people have been praying miraculous healing over me, my entire life. But God has another way for me. He has something great to teach me here, and I'm too chicken to learn it. This is a subject that terrifies me, because I finally know what to do, and I can't seem to make myself do it. This isn't the first time God's tried to teach me obedience and trust.
So this is my life, my journey. I just bared one of the deepest parts of my soul to you. I hope that maybe my life, err God's work through my life, can teach you something.