And it was in that moment... that everything changed.

Today's Blogtember topic is : Describe a distinct moment when your life took a turn.


My moment would have to be... June 8, 2012... sometime in the evening. It was the last time Micah came over. It was the last time I was kissed by someone who wasn't a small child. It was the night I became single again... after almost two years of being taken.

That night changed me in a way I never thought possible. I never once believed that it meant what it did. That it meant we would never be together again. I also never believed that I would be OK with that.

I find myself... 15 months later... a different person. I've changed for the better. Part of me will always love Micah Hodges. Despite how dysfunctional and messed up our relationship was, I really loved him. That doesn't just go away. Someday though, the man God has promised me... the one He made with me in mind, will come to me, and I'll understand what all this changing was really for. So that I could be the woman he needs. We'll both have our scars from past pains, but we'll have eachother.

You see... on that warm night in June last year... my life completely changed. I didn't know it yet, but God was preparing me for my husband. I used to look back on that night and my heart would just hurt... all the mistakes made, but now I look back and feel purpose. I am who I am because of the mistakes that lead to that night. I'm thankful for it all.



Shalom, 

What kind of example am I??

  My heart has been in crazy places lately. Selfish places... and painful places.

 The selfish place resulted in someone getting hurt by something I took part in... and then I was the one to tell said person about it. I never wanted them to get hurt. I never meant for that to happen. It was the last thing I ever wanted happening, but it happened anyways. I have to live with that. I'm sorry for the part I played. I know that "sorry" doesn't make it better. It doesn't make the pain go away, but it does mean that I'm not a completely heartless, despicable human being. I'm sorry doesn't change how I feel about the situation, but it does mean I hate how it effects said person. I pray that God eases their pain, and that they find complete comfort in His will.

  The painful place? Is my dad. Papa. The man whose always been a constant fixture in my life. The man who is the head of the house, but he doesn't pray with us, read the Bible with us, God to church with us, or even share our faith. THAT... breaks my heart. He's not an absent father, but he's also not the Christian counsel I need. His soul isn't saved, and I'm no help there. I'm not exactly a model Christian. I really do try, but I'm constantly failing, and Papa sees me fail every day. How am I supposed to be a light, to my own father when a perfect stranger could see what a screw up I am???


Shalom, 

Thankful for the struggle

Today is a momentous day.

 A year single. 

A year following after God without the distraction of a guy. 

A year of raising my standards and letting my dreams fly. 

This has been a hard, rough year. Right now, last year... I wouldn't have dreamed that I'd be where I am now. 

I thank God for all I've been through, all the lessons I've learned. 

This year has been such a blessing. 

So here I am, trusting God to bless me with my future husband when He pleases (though I am a bit impatient at times). 

God is pretty awesome, just in case y'all didn't know. I wish I would just trust him more often. 

Shalom

Let God

Someday I want my hair to be this color. 

Day 30: React to the term Letting go.

  Letting go means moving on, it doesn't mean forgetting.
  Letting go means to chose to step away from the past and towards the future.

  I've learned a lot about letting go, in the last year, considering everything that's happened with Micah. Letting go is a process. My first step was to let him go physically. I finally listened to God's prompting, and accepted that I wasn't supposed to be with him.
  Next I had to let Him go emotionally. When we first broke up, the plan was to get back together in a year. After being apart for a few months, we both realized that there was nothing but friendship for in our future. We had to let that fairy tale dream of us, go.
   Right now I'm struggling through letting go of the emotions tied to my memories with him. I will never forget our time together, and I wouldn't want to, but I need to be able to look back without being flooded by emotion. Personally, I believe that this is the hardest step of all.

  Letting go... it's an interesting and important concept. Without letting go, we have no chance for the bright future God has planned. I mean, if I refused to let Micah go... well I'd never get my happily ever after, now would I? Today is 10 days shy of a year being single. I have to say that, though I tire of being alone at times, letting Micah go was one of the best choices I've ever made. God has so much better for me. He's cool like that ;).


Shalom, 

The fight.

Topic for day 25: Something someone told you about yourself that you'll never forget. 

  People have said a lot of things to me over the years, unfortunately, the mean words are the ones that stick. So I wade through... looking for what I want to share...

Once you've crossed that line in a relationship, you will ALWAYS cross that line. Slut. 

  We all know I was too physical in my last relationship... I won't say that statement doesn't scare me, but I refuse to claim it as truth.

  This is the truth: I will have to work hard to keep this next relationship pure. It will never be easy... not until my wedding night and I don't have to try anymore, but that doesn't mean I can't do it. That doesn't mean I haven't changed. That doesn't mean that God isn't bigger than my mistakes. I rest in Him.


Shalom, 

We all fall at times.

  Monday's prompt was :Get real. share something you're struggling with right now.

  For me, there always seems to be something, but the biggest one is probably contentment. I see such a bright and exciting future full of love and adventure. I can't wait to get past this yucky stage of life called high-school  I was to be married and living life to the fullest.

  That's not where God has me right-now though. To go on to anything after high-school, I have to graduate. I have lessons I've yet to learn, lives to touch, and experience to get. I may not like this stage of my life, but God knows exactly what He's doing. :)

  Today's prompt is: A list of links to your favorite posts in your archives. 

His Pleasure
I've got a dream
Dear...
My lot in life
Are we door mats?
and
Live at peace

Do y'all have a favorite post of mine?


Shalom, 




P.S. I had the most fantastic Sunday night and Monday with two of my bestest friends, Laina and Ocean!

The event that gave me my one thing I wish I could change.

The topic for today is :Tell a story from your childhood. Dig deep and try to remember how you felt. 

When I was reminded what today is... I knew exactly what memory to talk about.

Rewind to 7 years ago today. A ten year old, oblivious me, was just doing her school in the living room. If I remember correctly, I was home alone with Becky and Ethan. My parents were out of town. Becky walks into the room and hands me a phone, telling me that Shelli has something to tell me. I don't remember how she worded it, but this is what she told me: Michael Burrhus (a man from my church) had died in a motorcycle accident on the way to work.
I don't think reality hit me until we were at his funeral a few days later, and I saw his wife Anita (Nene is what I've always called her) sobbing uncontrollably at the alter. This man, who was basically like an uncle to me (Nene is still like an aunt) was gone. I'd taken for granted knowing him most of my life. I was annoyed by all his teasing, but now? I would do anything to have that time back.
Mike was the kind of man that you couldn't help but love. He blessed every life he touched, and brought a smile to every face. He cherished his family,  and made those that weren't his blood feel like family.
I remember the months after his death... seeing Nene crying during worship at church, and just going to her and us hugging eachother and crying together. I, we all still miss him so much. Just writing about him is breaking my heart all over again. He's the reason I can't stand motorcycles, and he is the one thing that I wish I could change. No, I wouldn't bring him back, but I would cherish the time I got to spend with him more. I would ask him more questions about life, and just be with him. Oh how I would do things differently..

Love and miss you Mike. 

Shalom, 

My lot in life, but do I really have cause to complain?

  So today's topic is : Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it. 

  As soon as I read that today, I felt God pulling on my heart to share something very personal and close to me.

  This is a post I've been trying to write for awhile now, but today is the day God has in mind. Here goes:

  I was born with a condition, disease, defect, whatever you would like to call it, called Female Epispadias. I think it's safe to say that most, if not all of you don't know what that is, so here's the break down. 
When I was born, instead of having a neck and sphincter at the bottom of my bladder, it was just open. My mom noticed (with me being her fourth girl) that I didn't look normal down there, so I had plastic surgery when I was a baby to look normal. 
  It wasn't until I was 3 or so (whatever the normal potty training age is), that my mom realized something was wrong. She would put me in underwear instead of a diaper, and I'd be wet immediately. Next the doctor visits began, they took me to a Urologist in Austin. A simple procedure to measure the size of my bladder was done (water was inserted into my bladder and then an ultrasound was done.). Well with only 30 cc (I think) my bladder popped. Emergency surgery was done to sew me back up, and I have a pretty epic scar on my abdomen from it. 
  So the prognosis was this, I had to wear diapers all the time. Between 3 and 9 (I think..) I had several surgeries to make my life easier. Something called deflux(kind of a hardening gel) was inserted on either side of the neck of my bladder to act as a sphincter of sorts. Through the surgeries and me working hard to stretch my bladder, I eventually was able to only wear diapers at night and wear pads during the day (which is a huge upgrade by the way). Unfortunately, there's no medical 100% fix for this. 
  I've always known that God is bigger than my problems though. Last August, a week or so before I left for my California trip, I listened to the prompting of God's voice... despite how scary it was... and slept without a diaper OR pad. I was perfectly fine, but oh me of little faith. Did i trust Gods healing and stop usin diapers and pads? No, I instead  quit wearing diapers, and switched to just pads all the time. God reminded me of this when I was packing for the trip. My plan had been to take diapers, just because I would be sharing a bed with people.. and it wouldn't be my bed. Well, as I was packing, I began to get frustrated. For one, I'd never packed without my mom there if I needed her, and two, I couldn't fit everything I needed in my suitcase. I began to fall apart and cry. I can't really explain why I was so scared, but I was. A small voice said "Call Angela". So I did. I called my lovely youth leader and spilled my guts to her. She told me that the devil was trying to take my victory. She told me not to be scared, and to claim what God has given me. I went on that trip with just pads, and haven't worn a diaper since. 
  My own fear of failure has kept me from taking the next step. You see, people have been praying miraculous healing over me, my entire life. But God has another way for me. He has something great to teach me here, and I'm too chicken to learn it. This is a subject that terrifies me, because I finally know what to do, and I can't seem to make myself do it. This isn't the first time God's tried to teach me obedience and trust.  
  So this is my life, my journey. I just bared one of the deepest parts of my soul to you. I hope that maybe my life, err God's work through my life, can teach you something. 

Shalom, 

History Maker

Today's topic is :The thing(s) you're most afraid of

This was a really tough one for me. It was important for me to truly represent my deepest fear, so I couldn't take this lightly.

My biggest fear, to put it simply, is that I'll repeat history. It really does scare me that I might have to relearn a lesson, and live with the consequences and the scars of the repeat.

I've made my share of mistakes in this life, and bare the battle wounds of them. The last thing I want is to have to live that again. To slip into old habits. To hurt other people in the process. No thank you.

I want to be a history maker, not a history repeater.

What are you most afraid of?

Shalom,