And it was in that moment... that everything changed.

Today's Blogtember topic is : Describe a distinct moment when your life took a turn.


My moment would have to be... June 8, 2012... sometime in the evening. It was the last time Micah came over. It was the last time I was kissed by someone who wasn't a small child. It was the night I became single again... after almost two years of being taken.

That night changed me in a way I never thought possible. I never once believed that it meant what it did. That it meant we would never be together again. I also never believed that I would be OK with that.

I find myself... 15 months later... a different person. I've changed for the better. Part of me will always love Micah Hodges. Despite how dysfunctional and messed up our relationship was, I really loved him. That doesn't just go away. Someday though, the man God has promised me... the one He made with me in mind, will come to me, and I'll understand what all this changing was really for. So that I could be the woman he needs. We'll both have our scars from past pains, but we'll have eachother.

You see... on that warm night in June last year... my life completely changed. I didn't know it yet, but God was preparing me for my husband. I used to look back on that night and my heart would just hurt... all the mistakes made, but now I look back and feel purpose. I am who I am because of the mistakes that lead to that night. I'm thankful for it all.



Shalom, 

The wake up call.

My sweet Archie. She's the best dog in the world. Becky said I look like I'm 10 in this picture....

I couldn't get over the sky... 

God really out did Himself when He painted the sky for me last night. 

Such a pretty night for a walk.

Can I just say that I have some of the most amazing friends on the planet? Okay, so yesterday was an extra mopey, and just down day for me. I was complaining to one of my best friends, Abby Chandler. We were just texting and sometimes she tends to disappear, well last night was one of those times. It didn't bother me really, I was tired, so I went to bed. I slipped off into dream land and was woken up around 12:30 Am. I don't remember what my dream was, but I do know my eyes were wet, anyways, it was Abby... this is what she had to say:

"And I just realized I never responded, I thought I had. You aren't a mess... I'm just sad you think that. Where is the positive, radiant and self confident Alana who had been showing her beautiful face so much these past few months? 

Not just the past few months, this past year I have seen so many positive changes in your attitude and outlook on life. Micah often brought you down. Don't let this situation make you, make the situation. 

I'm so sad right now..... 

I'm dredging up all these memories, these terrible memories that make me want to claw whatever part of my being it is that feels, out. I'm the pathetic one. I'm the one who is a mess.. you've no idea the darkness I carry around in me all of the time. And no matter the change I so desperately want, it wont happen.. I cleave to the very things that make me so impure, so ridiculously worldly and disgusting. You're a vessel of light. You're beautiful. You are going to be out of high school soon, you'll be driving soon, you will be 18 soon;) you have sooo much to look forward to in the next few years, and I understand you are excited about meeting your life partner, and being with him, but don't let time slip through your fingers. It sounds cliche but as hard is here and now is, the next step will always prove to be a little more challenging. Try to find at least one good thing about your day. If you can't, jut remember there will never be another today, and we aren't promised a tomorrow, babe. As they say, YOLO ;)"

Needless to say... my eyes were REALLY wet after reading that. She showed me something. I'm so busy living for "tomorrow" and being excited about whats to come, that I've become depressed and bitter about "today". That's not right. God has so many amazing things for me in my future, but I can't get there by being a bitter, grumpy, whiny person today. I need to live every moment like it's my last, and be thankful for all I have right now. 

Today's Blogtember topic is : Tell us about a time you were afraid. 

I'm not going to, though, because I think the story above fills the bill on that one. I'm afraid right now. I'm afraid that who I am is going to screw up who I want to be and the future I want to have. They're irrational fears, but fears none the less. So there you have it. 

Shalom, 

Playing the "What if..." game.

What if.... I'm wrong about my future?
What if.... every word I've ever spoken about where I see myself going, was wrong?
What if.... there's no such thing as loving one person forever?
What if.... I'm not cut out to be a wife...a mother?
What if.... everything I ever thought God has spoken to me, was just my own mind?
What if.... I'm just a stupid, foolish girl with stupid, foolish dreams?
What if.... I never amount to anything?
What if.... I end up alone?....


I have so much going on inside me... it's like an over cooked stew. I feel sick. I'm terrified. My heart aches, and my head spins. This is too much... it's too much to handle. My life... is too much for this girl to handle.

What kind of example am I??

  My heart has been in crazy places lately. Selfish places... and painful places.

 The selfish place resulted in someone getting hurt by something I took part in... and then I was the one to tell said person about it. I never wanted them to get hurt. I never meant for that to happen. It was the last thing I ever wanted happening, but it happened anyways. I have to live with that. I'm sorry for the part I played. I know that "sorry" doesn't make it better. It doesn't make the pain go away, but it does mean that I'm not a completely heartless, despicable human being. I'm sorry doesn't change how I feel about the situation, but it does mean I hate how it effects said person. I pray that God eases their pain, and that they find complete comfort in His will.

  The painful place? Is my dad. Papa. The man whose always been a constant fixture in my life. The man who is the head of the house, but he doesn't pray with us, read the Bible with us, God to church with us, or even share our faith. THAT... breaks my heart. He's not an absent father, but he's also not the Christian counsel I need. His soul isn't saved, and I'm no help there. I'm not exactly a model Christian. I really do try, but I'm constantly failing, and Papa sees me fail every day. How am I supposed to be a light, to my own father when a perfect stranger could see what a screw up I am???


Shalom, 

A fair life.

Friendship tattoo for Laina and I. Not this placement.

To signify the ability to stop, but the choice to keep going. 

at the fair :)

This weekend was full of doing fair whatnot on Friday with Laina and her family, and family stuff with my own on Saturday and Sunday. The weekend flew by, and I find us nearing Wednesday morning when Becky and Kezley leave us.

I have so... so much on my heart rightnow, but I can't seem to put it into words, so I give up for now. Maybe later. My heart aches and I'm overwhelmed by life. Try as I might, I can't release it. Prayers would be much appreciated.


Shalom, 

Selfish & Self-centered

My favorite place in the world.

  A selfish girl lets one simple, stupid act ruin a great day.

 She dwells on what happened and allows it to crush her. 

Memories of days gone by burn like a hot iron on her heart. 

She second guesses everything she's felt... thought.. heard. 

She feels hollow... with a dull sickening pain in her heart. 

Words that she knows are from God echo in her mind, 

but that gives her no comfort.

She just sits there... thinking... waiting... trying not to cry, 

but wishing she could...

Shalom, 

Heartbreaking...

  Today on Whatever Wednesday's we're talking about heartbreak. Now, it doesn't have to be about a guy who broke your heart or anything, just a moment in time... or something... that really hurt.

  Mine is a subject that I've spoken on before... Becky and Kezley. It was a moment just a month or so ago, when my mom was leaving to go spend some time with them.

All I wanted was to be there. To hug my amazing big sister, and kiss my adorable niece's cheeks. I wanted to annoy the heck out of Becky by cuddling way too close, and watch Kezley dissolve into giggles when I "chase" her.

It's heartbreaking knowing that, that sweet girl is growing up without me there to watch. Knowing that, yes, I can pick-up the phone and call Becky whenever I want/need, but it's not the same as seeing the comfort in her eyes and getting one of those amazing hugs.

Kt will be here next week, and I'm so so so so excited about that. The only thing that would make this perfect though, is having Becky's little family here too.


Shalom, 

Forgiveness

It's a daily choice. 

A choice to focus on how God set you free from the bondage of bitterness, instead of what people chose to say. 

Words are more powerful than most people know, thankfully God is all powerful and can heal the pain caused by hurtful words. 

You get to chose what you say, yes, but you also get to chose how you react. 

My choice? To rest in God and trust His plan in my life. That may not be what my flesh wants to do, but the flesh is not to be trusted. God is. 

Thank you God, for being my guide. My light in the darkness. My prayer is that in my life, you radiate through. 

Shalom,

The event that gave me my one thing I wish I could change.

The topic for today is :Tell a story from your childhood. Dig deep and try to remember how you felt. 

When I was reminded what today is... I knew exactly what memory to talk about.

Rewind to 7 years ago today. A ten year old, oblivious me, was just doing her school in the living room. If I remember correctly, I was home alone with Becky and Ethan. My parents were out of town. Becky walks into the room and hands me a phone, telling me that Shelli has something to tell me. I don't remember how she worded it, but this is what she told me: Michael Burrhus (a man from my church) had died in a motorcycle accident on the way to work.
I don't think reality hit me until we were at his funeral a few days later, and I saw his wife Anita (Nene is what I've always called her) sobbing uncontrollably at the alter. This man, who was basically like an uncle to me (Nene is still like an aunt) was gone. I'd taken for granted knowing him most of my life. I was annoyed by all his teasing, but now? I would do anything to have that time back.
Mike was the kind of man that you couldn't help but love. He blessed every life he touched, and brought a smile to every face. He cherished his family,  and made those that weren't his blood feel like family.
I remember the months after his death... seeing Nene crying during worship at church, and just going to her and us hugging eachother and crying together. I, we all still miss him so much. Just writing about him is breaking my heart all over again. He's the reason I can't stand motorcycles, and he is the one thing that I wish I could change. No, I wouldn't bring him back, but I would cherish the time I got to spend with him more. I would ask him more questions about life, and just be with him. Oh how I would do things differently..

Love and miss you Mike. 

Shalom, 

My lot in life, but do I really have cause to complain?

  So today's topic is : Something difficult about your "lot in life" and how you're working to overcome it. 

  As soon as I read that today, I felt God pulling on my heart to share something very personal and close to me.

  This is a post I've been trying to write for awhile now, but today is the day God has in mind. Here goes:

  I was born with a condition, disease, defect, whatever you would like to call it, called Female Epispadias. I think it's safe to say that most, if not all of you don't know what that is, so here's the break down. 
When I was born, instead of having a neck and sphincter at the bottom of my bladder, it was just open. My mom noticed (with me being her fourth girl) that I didn't look normal down there, so I had plastic surgery when I was a baby to look normal. 
  It wasn't until I was 3 or so (whatever the normal potty training age is), that my mom realized something was wrong. She would put me in underwear instead of a diaper, and I'd be wet immediately. Next the doctor visits began, they took me to a Urologist in Austin. A simple procedure to measure the size of my bladder was done (water was inserted into my bladder and then an ultrasound was done.). Well with only 30 cc (I think) my bladder popped. Emergency surgery was done to sew me back up, and I have a pretty epic scar on my abdomen from it. 
  So the prognosis was this, I had to wear diapers all the time. Between 3 and 9 (I think..) I had several surgeries to make my life easier. Something called deflux(kind of a hardening gel) was inserted on either side of the neck of my bladder to act as a sphincter of sorts. Through the surgeries and me working hard to stretch my bladder, I eventually was able to only wear diapers at night and wear pads during the day (which is a huge upgrade by the way). Unfortunately, there's no medical 100% fix for this. 
  I've always known that God is bigger than my problems though. Last August, a week or so before I left for my California trip, I listened to the prompting of God's voice... despite how scary it was... and slept without a diaper OR pad. I was perfectly fine, but oh me of little faith. Did i trust Gods healing and stop usin diapers and pads? No, I instead  quit wearing diapers, and switched to just pads all the time. God reminded me of this when I was packing for the trip. My plan had been to take diapers, just because I would be sharing a bed with people.. and it wouldn't be my bed. Well, as I was packing, I began to get frustrated. For one, I'd never packed without my mom there if I needed her, and two, I couldn't fit everything I needed in my suitcase. I began to fall apart and cry. I can't really explain why I was so scared, but I was. A small voice said "Call Angela". So I did. I called my lovely youth leader and spilled my guts to her. She told me that the devil was trying to take my victory. She told me not to be scared, and to claim what God has given me. I went on that trip with just pads, and haven't worn a diaper since. 
  My own fear of failure has kept me from taking the next step. You see, people have been praying miraculous healing over me, my entire life. But God has another way for me. He has something great to teach me here, and I'm too chicken to learn it. This is a subject that terrifies me, because I finally know what to do, and I can't seem to make myself do it. This isn't the first time God's tried to teach me obedience and trust.  
  So this is my life, my journey. I just bared one of the deepest parts of my soul to you. I hope that maybe my life, err God's work through my life, can teach you something. 

Shalom, 

History Maker

Today's topic is :The thing(s) you're most afraid of

This was a really tough one for me. It was important for me to truly represent my deepest fear, so I couldn't take this lightly.

My biggest fear, to put it simply, is that I'll repeat history. It really does scare me that I might have to relearn a lesson, and live with the consequences and the scars of the repeat.

I've made my share of mistakes in this life, and bare the battle wounds of them. The last thing I want is to have to live that again. To slip into old habits. To hurt other people in the process. No thank you.

I want to be a history maker, not a history repeater.

What are you most afraid of?

Shalom,